Farewells & Funerals

Grace 1911-2011

It is a sad day in my family today. My grandmother passed away peacefully in her sleep in the hospital last night. 

She had been in the hospital the last couple of weeks. Unfortunately, she weakened in the hospital and developed pneumonia which she declined further from slipping into a mostly unresponsive state for the last couple of days. We had been notified that it was only going to be a matter of time before she was likely to pass. They were keeping her in a comfortable state but not expecting a recovery.

Even with pre-warning, it is never something you are totally ready for when it occurs.

My mother and I talked on the phone a couple of nights ago. She was passing along updates on how she was doing and I was wanting to know how my mother was holding up through these tough times. It is how my mother holds up that is foremost on my mind. My mother is another very strong woman and has my dad, a good man, behind her making sure that she stays alright. 

We got talking about funerals and how we deal with death. I am worried that extended members of my family may view my way of dealing with death as being cold and detached but to me, it is anything but that. Thankfully, my mother understands where I am coming from and understands that I view funerals differently than a lot of people. 

I don't have a strong need to attend a funeral to say goodbye because I prefer to not really say goodbye but turn to memories to keep them alive in my mind. I intellectually know they are gone which I come to peace with by myself and don't need a funeral to do. Emotionally, I transfer them to my memory and keep them feeling close in that way so never really say goodbye but welcome them into my mind. I prefer to keep them alive remembering them for my best memories with them rather than the emptiness that I feel at seeing someone at a funeral. 

My grandfather passed away over 10 years ago and there isn't more than a couple of months that go by that something doesn't trigger a memory with him and I feel his presence. It is those memories I prefer to remember, him in his full lifeness and personality rather than his lifeless body at the funeral.

I am a private person in showing emotions. So people may think that I am cold because I don't outwardly show my emotions but that doesn't mean that I don't feel. Mike can attest to the fact that I do feel and that things do affect me. I feel, I cry, I hurt... I just don't feel comfortable showing that except to a few very close to me.

To me, funerals are for those left behind and for those who need to see the body or ashes one last time to say goodbye. I don't need that for myself. I process on an intellectual level and transfer to emotionally later at my own pace.

I attend funerals for others who need me there, not for myself. So in speaking with my mother, the decision as to whether or not I attend my grandmother's funeral will be determined by whether or not she or someone else close in my family needs me to for them. Before her passing, she didn't feel that she needed me there but will keep me updated as to whether that changes now that she has passed. Knowing that my mother is scheduled to come spend Christmas with us helps me in feeling comfortable in not being there, should that still be the case.

I am worried about how other family members will view it if I don't attend. However, as long as those close to me understand and don't need me there, I likely won't attend. I have been researching flight options should my attendance be required once arrangements have been made but at the moment, I really don't know what will happen.

For now, I am processing her passing in my way and with Mike here for me. Without asking, he just knows what I need, when I need it. He stopped by on his lunch to just give a hug. He knows I am okay but still knows that I wouldn't pass up a hug. I am very lucky in my life with those around me and my memories of good times with my grandmother just add more to that luckiness. 

Farewell Gran. May you find eternal peace and be reunited with your love. You will forever be remembered.